Saturday, March 08, 2003

Well yesterday I was really feeling the stress of life. I'm in such an odd place in mylife, the threshold of what's next? It's really a unsettling feeling, not knowing. But anyway that's not what I was gonna say.

So the stress was really getting me, and my roomates had just left so I had the house to myself so I guess that's why I decided to blast my music. Regarless of why I did it it was nice. I started singing along at the top of my lungs and laughing, it felt really good. Then randomly Dave came on, Best of What's Around, my favourite I think. I started belting it out and I felt better than I have in a really long time. I don't know why I decided to lock Dave away for song, I always feel better when he sings to me, I always think clearer while he's playing. It's so weird. As I look back at all my favourite memories Dave was there in some form or another. Either way he's back in the CD player and it feels good.

Music acts as a security blanket in my life, it always takes me back to a time where I was so unsure of myself yes so confident in how things would turn out. There are certain CD i own that take me back to that time. The songs hold such good memories even though it was such a lonely time for me. Either way right now I'm not sure if it's helping me or leading to my further self-destruction. I feel like crying but it would be a good cry.

Now that I'm off on a tangent I just had this weird thought of me crying and someone coming up behind and placing an arm around my shoulder and telling me that everything will be alright. I think this has been a common desire for me throughout my whole life. I don't really understand what it means though. Maybe I'm just upset that we never get that reassurance that things WILL be okay. Maybe my crying is a sign that I want reassurance. Feeling as though I'm the only one who can ever reassure myself is a really horrible thought.

I think that this feeling is what all this talk about spirit is. It's that reassurance, it's that God that people talk about, it what those quiet moments remind us of, that there is some force unexplainable by science. I'd love to know that I'm more than chemical reactions. But I'm content without proof. I think I just need to remind myself that there is so much more to reality thank what our senses tell us.

I don't feel any better.


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