Monday, June 27, 2005

Another one of those days...One of those days that makes me want to blog. Today's been a rough one. Where to begin?

In high school I became really good friends with this girl named Katie. Her and I clicked. We had been friends for a while but never really got along. Until we became obsessed with Rollerblading. We bonded over our crazy rollerblading adventures and gradually we became best friends. In our last year of high school she got me a job at KFC and we became even closer... except for the fact she had a boyfriend who I hated. It didn't matter much that he also worked with us. The problem that I had with him was that he was punk, and he was all wrong for Katie. He took her to a world I wasn't ready to see, and it turned Katie into a person I didn't want to know. It was hard for me to witness everyday. Anyway, eventually Katie and the asshat broke up, and I was there to help her through it, and we became even closer. We continued our rollerblading and bitching about our fellow coworkers as our last summer at home came to an end. She was going away to Mac, myself to Western.

We stayed close throughout our time time away, and when we came home again we were even closer. This time we bonded over living away from home, and relationship, and relationships gone bad. We hung out all the time just as we had before. Her Mom was so happy to see me...she even when so far as to tell my Mom at our graduation that she knew we would be getting married.

And this is essentially where I'm going with this post. As I went back to Western for my second year of university, Katie decided she would not be going back to Mac, but instead would be staying in Windsor. I felt for her, I didn't want to see her rot in Windsor like everyone else...I could sense it wouldn't be good for her. the time I came home for Christmas that year, Katie had met a new guy. And I had lost my best friend. He was all wrong for her. He was a decade older than her, with a child a decade younger than her, and his life's ambition was waiting tables. And again I saw my best friend turned into a girl I didn't recognize for another guy.

We lost touch. Katie lost touch with all her friends. It was sad. It hurt. I must say I take some of the responisbility for losing touch. I had met a guy, and was carrying a secret relationship, and that caused me to withdraw from my social circle back home...though not the degree that Katie did.

Years go by. And I here from her...she's still with the old dude, and they're getting married. And for some reason I'm invited to her wedding. I have no clue who this girl is. It's been 5 years since we've hung out. Regardless, I'm still invited to this wedding and I have to bring a date. I hesitate to bring Steve because as I said, it's been 5 years since we've hung out and really has no idea about how I've been dating Steve for 3 and a half years now. Plus there's the whole deal with bringing Steve back to Windsor as my wedding date and having my parents wonder why I'm taking him. (Like they don't know, who am I kidding). Anyway, the wedding is Canada Day weekend so of course all my girlfriends are busy. So it looks like I have no other option to bring Steve. Which I guess is alright. Might force me into some action.

It just depresses me that Katie and I will reunite this weekend as completel different people, each having no clue who the other actually is. I'm sad about that.

So getting that out of the way...I went to school today to check my marks. I failed Neuroanatomy by 1.8% 1.8%!!!!!!! Come on. I'm contesting it but if it's futile I'll have to write the supplemental, so much for relaxing this summer. It kills me because I don't know where I stand now in terms of academic progression. Because I already failed Histology I might be fucked in terms of progressing to second year. Also it's just bringing up all these thoughts about how maybe I'm just not cut out for this...I try my hardest...feel confident about my performance...then I get my mark back and I get shit on. It's like someone is pissing in my eye. Just when I think I'm being rewarded for my hard work I get laughed at. I feel like such a failure right now and it's killing me. I don't even know what to do with myself. I want to fight this mark...but if fail at that too I'm gonna feel so embarassed. Then my other option is accept defeat and transfer to NYCC, but that means another 2-3 years without Steve. And I really don't think I can handle any more time apart. He's great for me...but not through distance...I can't convey my problems to him because he's lousy at relating to situations regarding school. And when I do talk to him about it I end up more frustrated when I really wanted was hug in first the place. Unfortunately he's still in London and unable to be there for me. I hate it. All this it just too much sometimes.

I feel like such a failure. The wedding has brought up all this emotional stuff from the past and reminded me about how me being closeted to my family has really distanced me from them, and I hate that because I need them, especially at times likes this when I just need someone to talk talk to, to sort things out. I have so much spinning throught my head right now about school...and this ghost from the past wedding junk just feels like it's pressuring me to come out to everyone back home....I move I had naively thought I could somehow avoid for the rest of my life.

What to do, what to do, where to begin? Any suggestions?


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