Friday, October 24, 2003

This guy needs to blog. I'm angry and I don't want to be I want to be sad. I want to cry, I want to know that I'm hurt. But here I am smiling. I am not happy. I am angry. So why am I smiling. It pisses me off that I'm not crying over this. I don't like this emotion confusion. I've gotten almost too rational. I don't even feel human. I need to cry, I need to cry, I need to cry, I need to cry, I need to cry. God this hurts.

Why are relationships such a struggle? Moreover, why are relationships? Whats this ideal that you're supposed to find a partner in life? Why aren't more people single by choice, and happier single? I for one think I am better off single. I am selfish. I found the person who is my soul mate, I know that I will never find anyone better suited to my liking, and I can't stand him. I just need privacy. I need to be on my own.

I see a relationship as such a hinderance to possibility. It's resentment and spite and boring. Maybe it's just because I'm still not settled into life. I'm still working to achieve my goals. And once I get to those goals it's game over. No time left for fun. So maybe I want my fun now. Maybe I want to stop sacrificing my freedom for someone who can't even tell me the truth after a year and a half. But this is right. This is what I hoped to find once I was settled. But right now, today, I'm not settled. And giving it up today to pick it up five years down the road isn't an option because five years down the road we won't have the same lives anymore. If I want my soulmate when I'm fourty then do I just put up with it for the next five years? And risk hating him? Will I ever be happy?

I still l want a wife and kids more than anything, and all my relationship with guys are confused, do I want a buddy or a boyfriend? More than anything a buddy. I think I have issues with my own confidence, like most people. Except that while I'm confident in my likeability factor, I need someone to worship me, to want me but to not be able to have me. To be adored. Why do I need to feel worshiped so badly? Where does this come from? And moreso, why is it impossible for people to worship me? No one respects my opinion. Well that's not so much true I guess. I guess I've never had a true best friend. And I hate girls because they never saw me as having value. I was always the annoying boy, or What's His Name's friend.

Steve loves me, I know that he does, but he doesn't worship me, he fears me, he's so ashamed with the person that he is that he's worried I'll start to have a bad opinion of him. Well I guess that finally makes sense to me. But I hate that I'm the one who has to suffer the consequences of his own INADEQUACIES. In fact it really pisses me off, because it makes me feel like I've failed him. I don't know how many times I've tried to make him more comfortable in his own skin. I've never loved him for anything except for who he was. Truly and honestly I loved him not despite his faults but because of them. He's my angel, and so beautiful inside. His heart is enormous. But there is some poison inside him that prevents him from showing me how real he is, and being embarassed of his desires. I hate that, I hate that I love him, I hate that I can't trust him. I need to cry. I need to cry. I need to cry. I need to cry. I hate that I don't know if i should walk away from it all. Because I've done no good for him, at least I think. I'm of no use to him, he's not open to growing because he's not honest with himself. My impact is moot because his phony image of himself prevents him from seeing admitting his mistakes and weaknesses. In his mind he's superman. He has no reason to change. I'm unfulfilled. I need to cry. I need to scream. But I want to cry.


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