Sunday, February 08, 2004

I think it's nice to believe that love conquers all, however in reality it's just not the case. Love is only one small part of an equation with dozens of factors. Everyone wants us to believe that love is the be all and end all. But love is just an emotion, and no emotion is static. The word love is but a mere frame around broader spectrum of emotion, and a tiny frame at that. What is it about this word that makes everyone quest for it?

I don't even know the point I'm trying to make anymore. I guess how I feel is that love is a fallacy, yet love is the ultimate truth. Love is our human drive, love is our survival, yet it is also our undoing. We love so much to the point of hate. We become extremists, we become enemies. Love is our solace, yet it is also our betrayal. We all seek out that one special person to love so we don't do feel so alienated in our own skin and the bonds of love between friends and family are what let us know that we are human and But love makes us do crazy things, see things that aren't there, it prevents us from listening to reason, from obeying logic.

We love to love, and we are scared to love. Love is our strength and love is our weakness. It makes both secure and vulnerable. With all that love contradicts what is the point? In this finite life we live to love and we spend so much time avoiding it. We deny we are in love, we don't want to admit when love is lost.

I want someone to love, some one to share my life with, someone to confirm my existence with. But why do I want this, more importantly...why do I NEED this? Or do I need this? If I live the rest of my life with out knowing love again, am I any worse off?

The grief I feel over the end of my last relationship is overwhelming. What is this grief from? Has it arisen because I have broken from habit? It is because I hate that I hate the man that I love? Or is this grief really because the bond of love has been broken? Do I mourn that circuit of love that was once closed?

Moreover why had this translated in to self doubt? My ramblings of the past two months are of a person I thought I buried when highschool ended. I barely recognize the person that lives inside of me. He is a shadow of a ghost.

I miss my emotions, I don't feel the high highs anymore, nor do I feel the low lows. I'm wandering in an emotional purgatory...not really sad...not really happy. Just alive, existing, breathing. I am the two-legged equivalent of a household plant. What am I doing here? At least a plant has someone to water it.

In my rational mind I know life goes on. I know I am a happy person, but I know that I'm also a person who feels very deeply about everything and anything. I welcome the sorrow the same as I welcome the joy. It keeps me well rounded. I know there is no point in avoiding periods of sadness, as happiness can be found in the ability to feel sad. It's a sign you can care...empathy.

Unfortunately it's this rational mind that isn't letting me experience emotion. Logic is telling me, it's gonna take time to get over this. "Nothing in the affairs of men is worthy of great anxiety." So why worry, why wallow, why cry over something you're just gonna get over? So I can't be sad. But I don't want to be happy about this either. I'm angry, I'm hurt, but why be mad? It doesn't get me anywhere. Anger is a fire that fuels itself, and I don't want any part of it. So what do I feel? I feel nothing.

I feel nothing as I should. I still smile, I still laugh, I still shed random tears, I still punch the wall. But it's so fleeting. I see beyond the small frames of the labels of emotions, I see that what I'm told is sadness is actually part of the collective of emotions. Nothing specifically, but something immensely powerful as a whole. This view has left me feeling a sense of anomie, in that everything is beyond my comprehension. Words as labels mean nothing, and as a result I can't even describe how I feel. Because of this feel everything but I feel nothing at all.

Was this all for love?


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