Friday, February 06, 2004

Well it's February, the 5th to be exact....and I'm back from the dead. What's new you ask? Well where do I begin? I guess since my last blog things started to change around december. First off, I decided not to return to school this semester, primarily because I already had my degree and I was no longer oriented toward school. Even though I am currently jobless my intention was to find a job for 2004 so I could earn some cash before chiropractic school. Then come mid december in the middle of my two exams, Steve woke me up to tell me that he had cheated on me. My heart was broken, and I was in a subconscious way relieved. We continute to live together and though I am for the most part okay with it, it still hurts terribly. So ya, that was bad news followed promptly by some good news. I got an interview from the chiropractic college. YAY!!! Time to get my ass in gear, luckily my chiropractor was wickedly helpful and made the whole process considerably less stressful. I finished my very last undergraduate exam (so I hope) and took for for home for Christmas.

I don't know what it was about this Christmas, but something was off, it may have been because of the break up, it may have been because I knew when I came back my life would be totally different. Maybe it was because the house was in disarray because of the kitchen remodeling, who knows. But I just didn't get into the Chistmas spirit. The family events seemed somewhat dissappointing. Everyone is older now, and each one has their own things to do. My original decision to move back home was quickly thwarted when I realized why I left in first place, three hours into my return. So, overall, christmas was blah, my gifts were blah, and i came the realization that my mom cannot buy my clothes anymore. That was a depressing thought because it seems like that was my very last "real" christmas. suffer.

Christmas was further made complicated by Cody, who I fought with days before christmas. Ordinarily it's water off my back, but because of the trouble with Steve, it kind of stung. So we finally talked again on Boxing day that was cool, we even hung out too....we drank a bit and then he kissed me...I didn't fight it and part of me even wanted it. We made out, and it bothered me...because when I reached out and felt Cody when I expected to feel Steve my heart broke a little more. We started to get carried away, so I ended it and went home. We hung out once more, in what was supposed to be our BIG DRUNK NIGHT, turned out to be something out of an afterschool special....courtesey of me.

We started out by drinking at cody's and then his friend picked us up to go to the bar...Kicking myself for passing judgement his friend was the biggest weiner i have ever met. He started by asking cody to stear while he looked for a c.d. .....Cody who was drunk. I'm way too old for stupidity like that. Then when cody cracked open the smirnoff ice i realize what i had suspected all along.....Cody was my ex before steve....the psychopath....i knew right then that we were too different to ever be friends. It would never work...when codys friend started dowing the ice on the expressway, i knew i had to get out of the forward though the stupid scene I end up back home before 11 o'clock.

Oh folks, the "drama" doesn't end there...this boy is getting hammered for New Years, no doubt about it...Too much i need to forget about...for just one night. So i get drunk and have a great night with my friends. Go back to the hotel where we were staying and collapse in bed with my best buddy....who starts cuddling with me....if feels seems harmless...but still I can't help wondering the meaning that lies beneath the surface....just one presumably straight guy holding another presumably straight guy....LIGHTS OUT.....passing out in bed.....suddenly we're holding hands....In my drunken state i know there is no hope for sleep tonight...I knew such a thing could only complicate an already complicated friendship so i let go, break free, do damgage control....unfortunately i can't get comfortable enough to sleep. In the morning the mutual pretense is that nothing happen...we both had total memory loss, fine by me....

....well once the idea is planted in your heart, its hard to deny the potential feelings.

Anyway fastforward a month, the interview is over...It's hard to tell how I did....I'm satisfied with how i did, I know i did my best, and it's out of my hands now, so that is a relief. Steve and I have had a few blowouts, as of right now we're friendly to each other, and i'm pretty confident that we will not get back together (by my choice). Cody and I are talking, and I'm pretty confident that we won't be good friends anymore (by both our choices). As for the best buddy and me, things are weird (mostly my problem....i think). I'm in this odd place right now, where i'm either fighting the feelings i have for him, knowing nothing good could come of it....or fully giving into it, hoping he feels the same way too. I definitely don't like what it's doing to me, and it's really translating into some resentment toward him. Definitely, he is confused too, because he goes from full on flirting, to just being mean. However that's just my interpretation. I really need to stop thinking about.

Hopefully, now that I'm single and getting emotionally settled, I'll be more consistent with my blogging...I really hope so.

Good night friends.


Post a Comment

<< Home