Tuesday, February 17, 2004

you don't belong here... you will never succeed...you are a fraud...you're not worthy of anything...these are not things i tell myself, but rather things i lie to my self about...I spent so much of my life trying to cover up these things...because deep down i feel it all to be true.

i desperately want some one to see all the things in me that i cannot.

i've never felt worthy.

my life right now:
no job
no money
no friends
live with my ex boyfriend
ex boyfriend is dating again
ex boyfriend is hanging out with MY friends

i got cheated on, i got blamed for it, i hate him. but i love him.
and i hate that i hate him
and i hate that i hate the man that i love.

it seems absurd for me to justify my existence by having other people see value in me, but dammit i need it.
i've been underestimated and overshadowed all my life
and i'm so scared to prove anyone wrong because i may prove them right
then everyone will know what i've been trying to hide all my life:

you don't belong here... you will never succeed...you are a fraud...you're not worthy of anything...

what do i know about myself? i'm a funny drunk...why do i know this? because that's what i'm told.
i don't know who i am
i feel so worthless

i give my love to people and while i know i'm not perfect, all i want in return is to be valued...
but all i ever get in return is some convoluted version of love
...a rebound
...a replacement
...a possession
...some on to boost your ego

steve worshiped me i love it...but i never felt valued
i never felt heard
i never felt justified
i never felt trust
i never felt loyalty

i lost...i feel like my soul has given up on me
the ghostless machine is all that remains
i wandering with no direction...i have the day to myself
in this apartment
nowhere to go
jobs to look for
no money
no friends
i'm so lonely and i can't even find company in myself

i'm so full of rage
i'm so full of saddness

i desperately need someone to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay
but i feel like no one here evern cares
my friends are making plans to spend the weekend with my ex
i literally have no one
i hate this...

all these people on my msn give me that stupid hug emoticon
but it just reminds me that i dont have anyone to actually hug

and to top of this lovely day the right side of my stomach is really hurting me

getting cheated on : injury
getting blamed for being cheated on: insult
having your ex go spend a weekend with the guy whose wedding you stood up in: priceless

like of all my friends who know...only one of them has been there for me
everyone else could care less
fuck it just fuck it....i can't even make a point on this one


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