Saturday, March 27, 2004

Well here I am after a month long absence. I haven't been up too much. Still jobless, but in all honestly i haven't been looking. Also I didn't get into chiropractic college, but I did make the waiting list, for whatever that's worth. I'm now looking toward the american schools.

So today my heart started hurting again. not metaphorically, but for real. It was out of control, and it started to scared me, so I've been rather taking it easy today, and it's kinda depressed me. Whenever I get like this it reminds me about how I feel like I have no control in my life. It's humiliating.

To realize that I am unable to take serious control of my life is horrible. To know that I allow fear and axiety to dictate ever step I take...or don't take...kills me inside.

I see a beautiful life for me, but my problem is that I am at Point A, my future is at Point B and I see no line connecting the two. I can look back on my life, and see no line of how I got here in the first place. I feel so much shame in this.

My original intention for returning to my blog was because i felt sad. Not because of what I just wrote about, but because I just watched the Sex And The City Farewell special, and I have never watched the show in my life but I was compelled to watch. I'm happy I did though, because it got me thinking about letting go of those magical moments that we are so blessed to have happen in our lives. Those wonder times in our lives that wish could last forever. But as are all things in this life, the inevitably must come to an end. And even though we know they must end, and we do our best to savour every dying moment, nothing prepares us for the instant in which it all becomes history. We see in essence the light at the end of the tunnel long before we reach the end and though we can do nothing to slow down our approach, we do our best to make peace with the light, or i guess to make peace with the darkness of the tunnel. We drift toward the end with this quiet acceptance, with the hope that the future has more to behold. While this is true, it also means that things will no longer be the same.

For me I suppose I am referring to my eight months spent living in residence my first year of university. The friendships and experiences and self growth that marked that time of my life will most likely go unmatched in course of my lifetime. The last month I was there, I approached each day with that quiet appectance, with the hope that next year would be even better. Nonetheless it was the end of an era in my life. The the experiences were never as high, the friendships never as strong, and everything I learned about myself I know questioned. And while I assume this is all part of life. I still hate knowing that we can never have back what was once nothing short of gold. Your life is a but glimmer in time.
So when can I becontent to say to yesterday, "Good bye" and be willing to let the golden years begin...


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