Five Signs the End Is Near
(or How Paris Hilton Destroyed Society)

There is something seriously wrong with life today. Somewhere along the way we lost site of things truly important and veered in a direction that defies all human sensibility. Not only did we wander away, but we set up camp in a wasteland and erected billboards to advertise our brilliance...or lack thereof. Now don't get me wrong, despite our best efforts to prove otherwise, I still believe that we civilized human beings had the best intention when we took off on this path, but these giant billboards with flashing lights that illuminate our idiocy must come down...Starting with the trashiest billboard of all I present to you, five signs of our downward spiral...

1. Paris Hilton

Every time I see her I contract an STD. Thanks to the deal she made with the devil when ever we turn around, there she is. This talentless sorry excuse for a productive member of society has, beyond all belief, created an entire empire based solely on the fact she's nothing. Thanks to Paris Hilton it is now acceptable for the young girls and gay men who idolize her to be vapid, spoiled, whiney, and to get get ahead in life by spending money they didn't earn and manipulating people with their sexuality. Paris Hilton thinks being ignorant and oblivious to everything beyond her own image is acceptable behavior. And what do we do? We reward her inanity. We watch her show, we go see her get killed in a movie, and we buy the magazines that plaster her messed up face on the cover. "Paris Hilton" is poisonous if consumed. She is nothing but a brand name used to make money, and everytime we're tricked into caring about Paris Hilton's last bowel movement we are made stupider and shallower by an exponential amount.

2. The Word "PIMP"

Admittedly, this seems like a pretty sweet job. Lounge around in your technicolor dream coat and polish your distractingly large diamonds while woman are our earning 100% of your income. But for those of us unfortunate enough to have to work for a living, do we really envy their lifestlye so much that "PIMP" is new colloquialism for good? Pimp this, pimp that, ain't this shizznat pimpin'. Fuck off. All of you who think this lifestyle is admirable and worthy of a person's life long aspiration can all go fuck right off. If you all wanna live like a pimp then give up your job saving lives or flipping burgers, whatever it may be, and find some lonely misunderstood 16 year old girl, promise her the world, supply her habit, sell her body out to the lowest form of life, and then beat the shit out of her when she's stops pulling in enough cash to keep you living comfortably. It's that easy people. Don't call everything you like "pimpin'", there's no need to envy that lifestyle, because ANYONE can do it. Give it a try, you'll see.

3. People Who Give A Fuck About Lindsay Lohan

She's buxom, she's a waif, she's a red head, she's a blonde, she's an actor, she's a singer, she's got big boobs, she's got no boobs, she's perky, she's "exhausted". Outside of her friends and family these are of no concern. Never has there been so much to do over some one who makes children's movies. Even Macauly Culkin didn't get this much exposure. Unlike Paris the heiress, at least L.Lo's got some talent. I said "some" talent, albeit manufactured, but the problem is that no one cares about her career, er - careers. Everyone is just concerned with the state of her body and the stability of her mind. This is because, as I said and I'll say again...SHE MAKES KID'S MOVIES. Let me just remind you of who all the fuss is about...

Yeah, that's right, this adorable little girl is the same young woman we love to see losing her mind. And it's not just about Lindsay Lohan, it's of her arch rival Hillary Duff, and of her BFF Nicole Richie (don't get me started). But why does anyone care about an actress from movies they've never seen or the singer of songs they've never heard? Well, it's probably because she is at the hands of a publicist who is very skilled at what he or she does. And unless you're "out of control" you're not marketable to the public at large...especially when you make KID'S MOVIES. Do we really truly care about the comings and goings of her life or is it that we're manipulated into believing that this child actor/singer is some one we should care about? Which brings me to my next rant...

4. "News"

What counts as News these days? No one knows. The line between valid news and carefully crafted publicity has been blurred to the point that two are virtually indistinguishable. First off, anything Mary Hart or Pat O'Brien or Paula Abdul or Sugar Ray have to say is NOT news. What the cast of Friends is up to is NOT news. How Mischa Barton stays thin is NOT news. Where the Desperate Housewives live is NOT news. So everyone got that? Entertainment news is NOT news! Great.

5. Cell Phones

In Soviet Russia cell phone owns you! Cell phones are everywhere now, everyone and their grandmother owns one, and they have no shame when it goes off in the middle of an exam, or when they stop a conversation to send a text message or when they drive you off the road because they can't drive and hold a phone at the same time. Why is everyone's favourite possession their cell phone these days? What do people do that necessitates being available all the fricken time, every fricken place you go? Okay, I can see needing a cell phone if you're do a lot of driving in case of emergency or if your job requires it, like say a doctor, or a drug dealer, or, saints be praised, a pimp...but if you're just some smart ass teen with no responsibility, then why do you need a cell phone? Any why does anyone need to talk on the phone while driving? If it's really so important that it deserves 100% of your attention then for the love of god pull over so you don't kill me because you're the worst driver evAR but you're so damn cool on your cell phone. Bastards. And about text messaging, why do people do this? It's phone...reach out and touch someone, don't sent them something they have to read and reply to. Personally, cell phones are just another hassle. It represents never having a minute to yourself. Because you know at any time anyone can reach you, you can never get away. As they become more and more hightech we become more and more dependent on having them because somewhere a long the way we forgot how to communicate with the people around us.

Pretty much we all suck because we believe the hype, and fall victim to what we're told is important without questioning where it's coming from or why it's even worthy of our concern. We look at these signs, and worship their glitz, without actually seeing them for what they really are and in doing so we become less concerned about the people we are and more obsessed with the people we "should" be regardless of how nonsensical it may be. Anyway I could go on about about the price of gasoline, but I think I'll put my rage to rest for the time being.