Friday, May 14, 2004

"I hope you can forgive me for that time
when I put my hand between your legs
and said it was small, ‘cause it’s really not at all
I guess there’s just a part of me that likes to bring you down
just to keep you around, ‘cause the day
you that you realize how amazing you are
you’re gonna leave me"

So this just put into light for me what I've been doing to Steve for over two years. Unfortunately, in doing so I've lost respect for him, which sucks because he really is amazing, I just don't know if he's amazing for me.

I've been thinking lately that I need someone who is more masculine than I am. Because for some odd reason I give masculinity more respect than it deserves. But there's something about two big muscular arms wrapped around your body and a deep voice that is more comforting than anything I can think of. After confort and safety are the things I've convinced myself there are no guarantees for, and that's made me a really cynical nihlistic person. I mean I have this view that there are no truths, no assurances, just me and nothing else, and the lonely feeling that is associated with that leaves me rather skeptical about true love.

I find Steve to be cloying at times, mostly because I find his affection suspect because I really don't deserve it. I act in a manner that is disrespectful, and yet I'm still treated like a King, I have no reason to improve myself. SO maybe that's it, maybe I have nothing left to learn, or nothing left that I'm willing to learn in this relationship.

Maybe, what really attracts me about guys is those big arms, that security blanket that masculinity entails. Of course, I've know for a while that I'm attracted to masculinity and not necessarily men, I think it's the security I'm seeking. To know that someone can protect me, to know that I can start breathing again, relax my shoulders, and to know that when I fall back someone will have the strength to catch me and push me back up. And I need for that person to have the confidence to know that they can do that for me. There confidence cannot be dependent on my reassurance.

I suppose thats why I spend so much time under my blankets. It's safe there. And when I'm in Steve's arms I feel like I have to take care of him, breath held, shoulders tense, afraid to fall.


Post a Comment

<< Home