Sunday, July 30, 2006

Lay Down Your Weary Tune

What I've come to realize is how much I truly love Steve. What scares me is that my love isn't enough for how he deserves to be loved. He is without question the most precious soul I have ever met and not a day goes by that I'm not newly amazed by how genuine he can be. I know deep down in my soul that he loves me but it's hard for me to wrap my mind around the notion that I'm worthy to be loved the way he loves me. I feel as though I'm enevitably going to let him down and I don't want to open my eyes one day and not have him here. His love is disarming and it makes me question everything. I guess I need to realize that his a good thing and not the tragedy I've made it out to be. I love you Steve.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

This Couch Will Be The Death Of Me

We went furniture shopping today and somehow that turned into me seriously considering being single. I'm really sick of my high ambitions for home furnishings being shot down or negated by Steve who has no money. When I was younger I never understood how money was the number one downfall of all relationships, however I now see how brutally true that is.

On one hand it's unrealistic for me to have semi-expensive tastes when I don't have an income and am well on the way to being 200K in student debt. However I've been living like a student for going on 8 years now and I'm ready to put a bullet in my head. I figure if I'm going to be that far in debt whats anther two grand for comfort? However, Steve and I have different senses of whats tasteful. Today we went shopping at a few stores and while I had an opinion on every piece of furniture Steve was the complete opopsite expressing no interest in anything but the store itself. He looked like a kid who was excited to just be out of the house and I felt like the parent trying get him to focus and behave. It was frustrating. So on our way to the Brick I was like "so basically you have no opinion one way or another?" and he immediately got on the defensive claiming "Sorry I can't spend $2000 on a couch." This pissed me off because we didn't even see any couches for two grand, and the only ones that came close were leather ones which I already said we'd never be able to afford so forget it. Anyway, we finally got to the Brick, which I think was a little more Steve's speed but he agains had no opinion, so I just walked out of the store.

It may seem like I'm so pissed off over something so small, but basically it's finally sinking in how I'm always going to be the breadwinner of this relationship even now, when I have no income and he's beeng working for the better part of a decade. So basically our future is going to be me buying everything or us being limited to his income. Fucking gender roles. Fucking money.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I miss my hairline.

Looking at pictures from undergrad always makes me depressed. I was so happy back then. I really miss everything about it. I miss how 'easy' school was, I miss the city, I miss my group of friends, I miss that a glop of gel and rubbing my hands through my hair was enough. I miss being the life of the party.

I miss experiencing things.

My life is so incredibly boring. The big thrill for me now is the potential for new furniture.