I started this blog as a means to vent the cluttered thoughts in my head. But lately, since I have nothing to complain about, it's strayed from its original purpose. However, I have something personal to bitch about.
Friday morning I woke up for class at 6:30am. When I got up I noticed that I had an IM from this guy I used to chat with on yahoo. He lives on the westcoast so it was about 3:30 in the morning. He told me he hadn't slept, and that he'd been up all night crying. He told me that he came on line to send me an email to tell me how much I meant to him, and that he couldn't go on living. Basically he was saying goodbye to me before he took his own life.
About 10 months earlier, I had met him on yahoo, He lived in Van but was originally from Toronto, so we talked about that. I had a boyfriend, he had a girlfriend. Back then he was cool to chat with obviously he was a little confused in that he liked guys but was dating a girl. Well I've been there so I understood. We casually chatted on a off for a couple months, nothing seriously...for the most part it was small talk and random converstaions. But we came to find we had a lot in common, in terms of music, movies, and authors.
We lost touch for a long time. Not that I thought twice about the guy he was just some guy I chatted with on the odd occaision I signed into yahoo messenger. But one day about three weeks ago he messaged me out of the blue. He had broken up with his girlfriend recently and was taking it pretty hard. Anyway we chatted, he vented, I listened and offered advice when I could. And for the most part he seemed to appreciate it.
I should point out that ever since we began chatting, I had never seen a picture of this guy, but he had seen pictures of me, and had seen me on webcam. So when we started chatting again he kept wanting me to get on cam. and when I would he'd make comments that I should get naked or jerk off with him. Of course I wasn't going to do this. Especially for someone I've never seen. So, I told him to get a cam he'd get what he wanted. Shockingly, he called my bluff. I was godsmacked when this closet case got a webcam for me. That should have been my first clue. After I finally saw the guy on cam he kept wanting to jerk off and I wouldn't, so he'd get pissy about it, and try and justify to me why we should do it. Anyway after about two and a half weeks of chatting on the computer, he asked if he could call me, because he was really having a bad night. So I gave him my phone number and we talked, and for the most part it was nice. I didn't mind helping him out because I had been in that situation once and had had no one to talk to. The problem was no matter what I told him he refused to listen to me. He acted like a stubborn baby as if the only he wanted to hear was that I wanted him and was gonna leave Steve to be with him. Of course that wasn't gonna happen either.
Eventually I grew tired of hearing him complain about the same things over and over and over again, but I tried my best to be patient with him however I gave up sugar coating everthing and opted to be more blunt.
Anyway that brings me up to Friday morning. He was planning on killing himself. I begged him to stop. I told him to call me, or to get on plane back to Toronto. Finally he called me. And we talked for over an hour, by this time I had missed my classes. But that was the last thing on my mind. I had calmed him down a lot, and convinced him to go to bed. Unfortunately the whole time he was being really passive agressive to me, for no aparent reason. He's one of those types that are so deeply insecure and defensive that they cant find a shred sincerity in anything said to them. So he kept saying..."well, I guess I'll let you, I'm being unfair to you...you need to get to class...blah blah blah" I swear he must have said this 200 times. And after he'd say it, I'd say "do you want to go?" to which he'd reply "no." I refused to play his game...no matter how depressed he was I wasn't going to beg for his company. Then to add insult to injury, he he tell me he's lying in bed, so I told him that I was lying bed also. So he goes, "what are you wearing in bed." I was dressed for school already, so I was like, "short and a tshirt" to which he replies....wait for it.....waaaaait for it....."I think you should take those shorts off." Then he goes on about he's hard and needs to jerk off. FLOORED. What the fuck!? I maintained my cool and said it's not gonna happen so he finally let me go on the promise that he'd go to sleep.
My day was shot...It was raining outside, I was tired, I had missed class, I was flat out exhausted from the emotional roller coaster this dude had put me through. A few hours later I get another call from him. An at this point I'm pissed off. 1.) he ruined my morning 2.) he went from wanting to kill himself to wanting to have phone sex at the drop of a hat 3.) he calls me without asking me...shit i could go on forever about why I was angry. So now he's telling me that loves me, blah blah blah he fucking loves me. But I was short with him on the phone, and he switches moods again...now he tries to imply that I say things that contradict myself, actually no...he didn't imply it...that's what he said. So when I told him to back it up, he was like "well I dont want to get into it, but you know what you did" First of all FUCK YOU, second of all I'm not god damn boyfriend, dont talk to me like that. But again, didn't want to mess with a guy on the verge of ending his life. So I kept calm. And again we play the "well I should let you" game. We say good bye, I wish him a happy birthday and after we're off the phone I send him a rather sweet email about why he's a good person and how needs to see that in himself.
About 10 minutes later I get an email from him that says...."I don't know what will become of me, but whenever you hear this song please thing of me" and he's typed out the lyrics to 4am by Our Lady Peace. As soon as the email was sent, he signed offline. And that was it....
What else could I do...I didn't know his last name....I didn't know his phone number...I was left standing there with his blood on my hands knowing full well I could do nothing about it. I was crushed. I felt so disconnected from my soul. I waited around all day to see if he'd sign back into MSN...but nothing. The longer the day went on without seeing him sign on, the further and further depressed I got. An not in the "damn we're out of ice cream" typed depressed...serious literal depression.
The only thing that helped was that Steve came up and really put things into perspective for me. What that guy put me through was unfair, and how can a person go from wanting to die to wanting have phone sex? I definitely got the impression from the guy that he was into mind games and Steve reassured me that that was probably the case. Anyway, I still lingered in the back of my mind, and I had a few bad dreams throughout the night about it.
But here's the kicker. I left my MSN on all night so that on the off chance he did sign on he'd be able to leave me a message. When I woke up I didn't have a message, but what I did notice was that his MSN name had changed. You see, there's a website you can go to where you can find out who has deleted or blocked you, and some of these sites change your MSN name to an add for their site whenever you use their service. So basically, thats what this bastard did. He send me a cryptic email about not knowing was gonna happen to him, then signs offline never to be heard from again. But he made the mistake of checking to see who deleted him from list...probably testing me and in doing so he blew his cover.
On one hand I'm relieve...but on the other hand I want to punch him in the head....hard. It kills me to know that there are people out there who can play such emotional games on such a serious level. I wasted three weeks comforting him, and sharing personal experiences with him. I missed a day of classes for him. I bit my tongue when I should have been telling to fuck off and grow up. And let me believe that he was going to kill himself knowing full well that I couldn't do anything about it. I'm trying hard to remember that I'm not the fool for buying into his shit...but part of me never wants to listen to another person bitch about their lives again. At this point it you wanna die, than either get real help or hurry up and kill yourself instead of slowly killing the people who are stupid enough to care for a person who doesn't have the common sense to care about themselves.
At the end of the day, Steve was late, and Janelle got evicted from Big Brother. So it was just a frusterating night. Anyway, that's my rant, and tomorrow I'll find a hot guy to post.
I don't know who's who... but who cares? 
