Tuesday, September 20, 2005

If Looks Could Kill You Would Be An Uzi

Well, Big Brother 6 came to an end tonight and its put me in a good mood, so lets celebrate with some eye candy.

This stunning piece of man is model/actor Ned Strasen-Reuter and I wanna make out with his eye-brows...

and thighs...and while I'm at it his clavicles...

Oh yeah, he's into dudes...so you've got a chance. Riiight.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Take Me To Another Place Take Me To Another Land

Alright everyone I'm begging you watch the season premier of Arrested Development tonight on FOX at 8pm est. DO IT!

They got snubbed at the Plegmmy's last night, so watch the show before they cancel it and we're left with According to Jim and Hope and Faith.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

I started this blog as a means to vent the cluttered thoughts in my head. But lately, since I have nothing to complain about, it's strayed from its original purpose. However, I have something personal to bitch about.

Friday morning I woke up for class at 6:30am. When I got up I noticed that I had an IM from this guy I used to chat with on yahoo. He lives on the westcoast so it was about 3:30 in the morning. He told me he hadn't slept, and that he'd been up all night crying. He told me that he came on line to send me an email to tell me how much I meant to him, and that he couldn't go on living. Basically he was saying goodbye to me before he took his own life.

About 10 months earlier, I had met him on yahoo, He lived in Van but was originally from Toronto, so we talked about that. I had a boyfriend, he had a girlfriend. Back then he was cool to chat with obviously he was a little confused in that he liked guys but was dating a girl. Well I've been there so I understood. We casually chatted on a off for a couple months, nothing seriously...for the most part it was small talk and random converstaions. But we came to find we had a lot in common, in terms of music, movies, and authors.

We lost touch for a long time. Not that I thought twice about the guy he was just some guy I chatted with on the odd occaision I signed into yahoo messenger. But one day about three weeks ago he messaged me out of the blue. He had broken up with his girlfriend recently and was taking it pretty hard. Anyway we chatted, he vented, I listened and offered advice when I could. And for the most part he seemed to appreciate it.

I should point out that ever since we began chatting, I had never seen a picture of this guy, but he had seen pictures of me, and had seen me on webcam. So when we started chatting again he kept wanting me to get on cam. and when I would he'd make comments that I should get naked or jerk off with him. Of course I wasn't going to do this. Especially for someone I've never seen. So, I told him to get a cam he'd get what he wanted. Shockingly, he called my bluff. I was godsmacked when this closet case got a webcam for me. That should have been my first clue. After I finally saw the guy on cam he kept wanting to jerk off and I wouldn't, so he'd get pissy about it, and try and justify to me why we should do it. Anyway after about two and a half weeks of chatting on the computer, he asked if he could call me, because he was really having a bad night. So I gave him my phone number and we talked, and for the most part it was nice. I didn't mind helping him out because I had been in that situation once and had had no one to talk to. The problem was no matter what I told him he refused to listen to me. He acted like a stubborn baby as if the only he wanted to hear was that I wanted him and was gonna leave Steve to be with him. Of course that wasn't gonna happen either.

Eventually I grew tired of hearing him complain about the same things over and over and over again, but I tried my best to be patient with him however I gave up sugar coating everthing and opted to be more blunt.

Anyway that brings me up to Friday morning. He was planning on killing himself. I begged him to stop. I told him to call me, or to get on plane back to Toronto. Finally he called me. And we talked for over an hour, by this time I had missed my classes. But that was the last thing on my mind. I had calmed him down a lot, and convinced him to go to bed. Unfortunately the whole time he was being really passive agressive to me, for no aparent reason. He's one of those types that are so deeply insecure and defensive that they cant find a shred sincerity in anything said to them. So he kept saying..."well, I guess I'll let you, I'm being unfair to you...you need to get to class...blah blah blah" I swear he must have said this 200 times. And after he'd say it, I'd say "do you want to go?" to which he'd reply "no." I refused to play his game...no matter how depressed he was I wasn't going to beg for his company. Then to add insult to injury, he he tell me he's lying in bed, so I told him that I was lying bed also. So he goes, "what are you wearing in bed." I was dressed for school already, so I was like, "short and a tshirt" to which he replies....wait for it.....waaaaait for it....."I think you should take those shorts off." Then he goes on about he's hard and needs to jerk off. FLOORED. What the fuck!? I maintained my cool and said it's not gonna happen so he finally let me go on the promise that he'd go to sleep.

My day was shot...It was raining outside, I was tired, I had missed class, I was flat out exhausted from the emotional roller coaster this dude had put me through. A few hours later I get another call from him. An at this point I'm pissed off. 1.) he ruined my morning 2.) he went from wanting to kill himself to wanting to have phone sex at the drop of a hat 3.) he calls me without asking me...shit i could go on forever about why I was angry. So now he's telling me that loves me, blah blah blah he fucking loves me. But I was short with him on the phone, and he switches moods again...now he tries to imply that I say things that contradict myself, actually no...he didn't imply it...that's what he said. So when I told him to back it up, he was like "well I dont want to get into it, but you know what you did" First of all FUCK YOU, second of all I'm not god damn boyfriend, dont talk to me like that. But again, didn't want to mess with a guy on the verge of ending his life. So I kept calm. And again we play the "well I should let you" game. We say good bye, I wish him a happy birthday and after we're off the phone I send him a rather sweet email about why he's a good person and how needs to see that in himself.

About 10 minutes later I get an email from him that says...."I don't know what will become of me, but whenever you hear this song please thing of me" and he's typed out the lyrics to 4am by Our Lady Peace. As soon as the email was sent, he signed offline. And that was it....

What else could I do...I didn't know his last name....I didn't know his phone number...I was left standing there with his blood on my hands knowing full well I could do nothing about it. I was crushed. I felt so disconnected from my soul. I waited around all day to see if he'd sign back into MSN...but nothing. The longer the day went on without seeing him sign on, the further and further depressed I got. An not in the "damn we're out of ice cream" typed depressed...serious literal depression.

The only thing that helped was that Steve came up and really put things into perspective for me. What that guy put me through was unfair, and how can a person go from wanting to die to wanting have phone sex? I definitely got the impression from the guy that he was into mind games and Steve reassured me that that was probably the case. Anyway, I still lingered in the back of my mind, and I had a few bad dreams throughout the night about it.

But here's the kicker. I left my MSN on all night so that on the off chance he did sign on he'd be able to leave me a message. When I woke up I didn't have a message, but what I did notice was that his MSN name had changed. You see, there's a website you can go to where you can find out who has deleted or blocked you, and some of these sites change your MSN name to an add for their site whenever you use their service. So basically, thats what this bastard did. He send me a cryptic email about not knowing was gonna happen to him, then signs offline never to be heard from again. But he made the mistake of checking to see who deleted him from list...probably testing me and in doing so he blew his cover.

On one hand I'm relieve...but on the other hand I want to punch him in the head....hard. It kills me to know that there are people out there who can play such emotional games on such a serious level. I wasted three weeks comforting him, and sharing personal experiences with him. I missed a day of classes for him. I bit my tongue when I should have been telling to fuck off and grow up. And let me believe that he was going to kill himself knowing full well that I couldn't do anything about it. I'm trying hard to remember that I'm not the fool for buying into his shit...but part of me never wants to listen to another person bitch about their lives again. At this point it you wanna die, than either get real help or hurry up and kill yourself instead of slowly killing the people who are stupid enough to care for a person who doesn't have the common sense to care about themselves.

At the end of the day, Steve was late, and Janelle got evicted from Big Brother. So it was just a frusterating night. Anyway, that's my rant, and tomorrow I'll find a hot guy to post.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

She Works Hard For The Money

Alright everyone tune into Big Brother tonight and watch my Janie doll kick some fat ass as HoH.

Nobody puts Janie in a corner.

Sorry I thought you were a tranny.

Monday, September 12, 2005

My Life Has Become A Boring Pop Song

My Current musical obsession is Jack's Mannequin. For those of you who don't know, Jack Mannequin is the solo project of Something Corporate's frontman Andrew McMahon.

I hesitate to write about this most because I suck at musical reviews but because my words could never do it justice. It's bright, emotional, and insiteful. So if you like punk, if you like emo, if you like good music that you generally never get to hear on the radio, then I urge you to check out the new album Everything In Transit. High points are tracks 1 to 11. Each track is strong and could hold their own as singles however they also work together to comprise a brilliant album that accomplishes what the liner notes meant by "this is a story..."

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Some People Wait A Lifetime For A Moment Like This

Big fan of Janelle, big fan.

First thoughts after tonights Big Brother? I love Janelle, no really I LOVE Janelle. Also, was the part of Ivette's girlfriend recast? Because she didn't seem as "ugly as hell" as she did in the first episode. And while I'm on the subject...Ivette's mom and girlfriend really won me over tonight with their Cappy hate and Jedi Janie love. Well, I got a date with the live feeds...bye bye bitches.
Here I go, here I go, here I go again...

Well Brat Boy got me thinking about hot guys this morning so I naturally thought of the Carlson Twins. And I naturally kept thinking about them all day. So here ya go...

I don't know who's who... but who cares?

We don't need names. I'm mean seriously. They even look good with clothes on.

And because I'm not entirely without a raging libido...

Monday, September 05, 2005

Pack It Up, Pack It In

Thursday night was a bust, the bar was too small for us, too hot for us, too understaffed for us and ran out of alcohol. By the time we got to the bar I was hung over and the watered down drink specials did nothing to regain my buzz.

Since I wasn't hung over Friday morning, I decided to drive to London to spend the weekend with Steve, but not before dropping $11,750 at the school for my first installment toward this year's tuition. That was painful. In spite of that my weekend was nice and relaxing. I love being with Steve so much. Now that I'm back in Toronto, I'm already missing him. I started packing up my apartment today, even though I have no confirmation that I got the new apartment. I'm looking forward to the new place, and I'm hoping with all my heart that Steve gets work in Toronto so that we can live there together. I rely on his support so much with everything I do and it's so hard to just run over and hug him when he's two hours away. In the end it'll all be worth it. We made it through last year, we can do it as long as it takes. Anyway, Steve if you ever stuble across this Blog, know that you're my heart and that without you I wouldn't be half the man I am. I love you.

But yeah, packing BLOWS! I can't wait to be done with this bidness.

Well, since this entry was basically me bitching about needless things...here's a hot guy to change the mood...

This is Finish track star Lauri Kalima and I wanna lick him.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Grab Some Ice and A Dash of Vermouth

I'm getting drunk tonight. The whole school is going downtown to the Kabin tonight. I've pretty much resigned myself to fact that it's gonna be a sloppy night. I'm ready for it.

...I hope.

*Embarrassing stories to follow.