Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Looks like I'm driving the dreaded cousin home this weekend...lucky me...I get to stick around for an extra three hours that I can driver...which means that I have to drive in rush hour traffic. LUCKY ME! I'm trilled. I'm sarcastic.
So to cap off my shitty day yesterday I found out that the house I lived in throughout university is being turned into a bar. From what I hear the window to my former bedroom has been bricked up. I'm sad about this. It hurts to know that all those four walls that were so special to me are gonna be everyones now. People will be spilling beer where I used to sleep. People will be puking where we used to play cards. The place where Steve's and my relationship blossomed...The place where I'd stumble home to after a night of drinking with Sean...The place that I ran to after a night of studying...The place that Jenny Steve and I sweat for an entire summer long... The place where we'd watch the Simpsons every night and laugh uncontrollably... It's so weird... Even though I haven't lived there for going on two years now I always kind of thought I'd wind up back there again. My dream was to but it and restore it. But now this...Everything will have to be changed...The place didn't even have a floor. Ugh. I smile whenever I think back to my time there...I was so special to me...moving out of there was hard...Those two years were really defining years of my life...and those wall were my home, my safety, my security. I'll miss my fireplace...I'll miss that narrow kitchen...I'll miss the 32 steps...I'll miss every single hole in the floor...I'm miss the laundry room from hell...I'll miss it all...and in the future I'll go there and cry into a pint of beer and let everyone know this is where I slept...and this where I made dinner...and this where I sat when the chair snapped in half beneath me...and over there is where the Christmas tree was...and that spot over there is where Steve Julie and Erin burried me in my cue cards...*sigh*

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Sometimes I really question how I fit into this world, because for the most part I don't really feel as tho I belong. Today was a rough day I had my insecurities broadcast to the entire class, and I'm having a hard time dealing with this self inflicted embarassment. To make matter worse I lost twenty dollars moments after. It was the oddest thing, I had the 20 dollars in my hand one second, and the next it was gone. It makes me sad that I can't even hang onto cash. It's like I'm not capeable to exist. I just feel like hiding. I don't want anyone to see me.

I feel like I'm back in highschool, and no one really cares about me. Ugh. I can't even talk about this. I'm not ready.