Monday, March 17, 2003

Monday morning. I have about ten minutes before I have to leave for school. I can't wait to get my coffee! And also since yesterday put me in a bad mood, all I am going to do today is smile. No stress. If people are talking around me, it's a sign I should listen to them. ;o) I also have to mention that watching Maggie dance to barry White last night on the Simpsons made me want to piss myself. Ya that was classic. Good ol' Maggie seems to be getting a bigger role in the show, that's really hilarious to see. I love it. SIMPSONS FOR PRESIDENT.

Have a good day self.
Well it's 1:31 in the morning. Sunday is finally over. I'm not relaxed. Sleep will feel good. I need to not be anywhere near MSN for a while. I feel bad for Phone. He never rings anymore. Everyone wants MSN. Sad. Poor phone.

"I am on your side, it's taken me a long time" -- Pete Yorn. This song literally feels like it's bathing me. It feels so cleansing. Thanks Pete Yorn.

Good night kids!

Sunday, March 16, 2003

MSN is a pain in the ass. I've just decided that I don't want to be available all the time. Christ that thought is stressing me out. I can't stand not having any "alone" time. There's constantly someone messaging me to complain about someone or something or their relationship or school or to ask me question that I don't know the answers to and I really don't feel like looking up. i wrote that my roommate just messaged me to ask me a small talk question. I live in the same bloody house as him. The only reason i'm not signing out of MSN right now is because I have to make myself available for my partner for this shitty presentation we have to do. Aparently this little BUSY status means NOTHING to ANYONE. Only five more Sundays...and a month of exams. Five weeks left of school and I've never wanted to drop out more.


It's been a while since my last blog. I really wanted to keep up with it. Hmmm. I downloaded a bunch of new music this week. It's really helped me to centre and all i wanted to do was relax and enjoy it tonight. All this MSN though is distracting me and making me want to turn off my winamp. I think i need to live a simple life. I am so happy that I don't own a cell phone. That would drive me crazy. I want to NEVER own one. WOW am i ever hating on MSN messenger right now. I don't think that I've ever hated something so much. That damn flashing at the bottom of my screen is making my hair fall out. Better go check it. Just someone refering to me as a jedi knight. *bangs head harder against desk* someone else tell me i'm indenial over defraging my comp...thank you elizabeth kubler ross. okay well tonight wasn't how i envisioned it. It's almost over I can take comfort in that. I hope i remember to reset my alarm to weekday time. I also hope that I remember to tape Port Charles tomorrow, it's finally getting good again.

Anyway enough from me. I might be back later. We'll see.

Sunday, March 09, 2003

I just wanted to share my pain with all of you. I seem to have an irritation on my eyelid, like a rash of some sort. I have no clue how i got it, I jsut noticed it after I got back from the gym today. Anycrap, I'm trying not to rub at it, even though it itches like a bastard. It's like chickenpox all over again. Not to mention the fact that I have a white head on my other eyelid that I cannot seem to pop, I'm like fricken Woogie over here. Oh ya, plus my eye is twitching. What the christ!? I think school is making me sick.
What is with car commercials anymore? What are those people doing? Where are they going? Effing dorks is what those people are. Also those commercials are really beginning to make me hate music. I hope to hell I don't look like them when i'm singing/slash dancing with nothing but my arms in a hat that defies all gravity on the side of my head in my car. Honeslty show the mofos in gridlock traffic, or rearending someone because they're too busy applying lipstick or running a red light and getting t-barred by a semi because they are the coolest singer in the word and who cares about watching the road when you're that cool.

I'm gonna buy a bike, those commercials insult me.

Saturday, March 08, 2003

Well yesterday I was really feeling the stress of life. I'm in such an odd place in mylife, the threshold of what's next? It's really a unsettling feeling, not knowing. But anyway that's not what I was gonna say.

So the stress was really getting me, and my roomates had just left so I had the house to myself so I guess that's why I decided to blast my music. Regarless of why I did it it was nice. I started singing along at the top of my lungs and laughing, it felt really good. Then randomly Dave came on, Best of What's Around, my favourite I think. I started belting it out and I felt better than I have in a really long time. I don't know why I decided to lock Dave away for song, I always feel better when he sings to me, I always think clearer while he's playing. It's so weird. As I look back at all my favourite memories Dave was there in some form or another. Either way he's back in the CD player and it feels good.

Music acts as a security blanket in my life, it always takes me back to a time where I was so unsure of myself yes so confident in how things would turn out. There are certain CD i own that take me back to that time. The songs hold such good memories even though it was such a lonely time for me. Either way right now I'm not sure if it's helping me or leading to my further self-destruction. I feel like crying but it would be a good cry.

Now that I'm off on a tangent I just had this weird thought of me crying and someone coming up behind and placing an arm around my shoulder and telling me that everything will be alright. I think this has been a common desire for me throughout my whole life. I don't really understand what it means though. Maybe I'm just upset that we never get that reassurance that things WILL be okay. Maybe my crying is a sign that I want reassurance. Feeling as though I'm the only one who can ever reassure myself is a really horrible thought.

I think that this feeling is what all this talk about spirit is. It's that reassurance, it's that God that people talk about, it what those quiet moments remind us of, that there is some force unexplainable by science. I'd love to know that I'm more than chemical reactions. But I'm content without proof. I think I just need to remind myself that there is so much more to reality thank what our senses tell us.

I don't feel any better.
Well here it is, my second attempt at a blog. I'm tired of not saying the things I want to say so i'm gonna promise myself to say them here. I feel like I have insightful things to say and I'm sick getting frusterated everytime I go to say them because I trip over my words. I've always been a better writer than talker, too intimidated I guess, I keep realizing that I'm not doing nearly enough writing and yet I do nothing about it. I'm talking about meaninful writing here, not just my hours of pointless conversation on MSN. Besides that's wearing thin nowadays. It's really beginning to piss me off that I never allow myself quiet moments. I study all morning, go to class all afternoon, come home chat on msn and hang out with steve, then it's off to bed, where I stress about all the shit I have to do the next day. I used to have pretty cool things in my head, and my internet connection seems to be destroying it. So I'm gonna use my computer for good for a change. No porn, no MSN, no MP3s. Just pure unadulterated me. I have nothing to say right now.