Tuesday, February 17, 2004

you don't belong here... you will never succeed...you are a fraud...you're not worthy of anything...these are not things i tell myself, but rather things i lie to my self about...I spent so much of my life trying to cover up these things...because deep down i feel it all to be true.

i desperately want some one to see all the things in me that i cannot.

i've never felt worthy.

my life right now:
no job
no money
no friends
live with my ex boyfriend
ex boyfriend is dating again
ex boyfriend is hanging out with MY friends

i got cheated on, i got blamed for it, i hate him. but i love him.
and i hate that i hate him
and i hate that i hate the man that i love.

it seems absurd for me to justify my existence by having other people see value in me, but dammit i need it.
i've been underestimated and overshadowed all my life
and i'm so scared to prove anyone wrong because i may prove them right
then everyone will know what i've been trying to hide all my life:

you don't belong here... you will never succeed...you are a fraud...you're not worthy of anything...

what do i know about myself? i'm a funny drunk...why do i know this? because that's what i'm told.
i don't know who i am
i feel so worthless

i give my love to people and while i know i'm not perfect, all i want in return is to be valued...
but all i ever get in return is some convoluted version of love
...a rebound
...a replacement
...a possession
...some on to boost your ego

steve worshiped me i love it...but i never felt valued
i never felt heard
i never felt justified
i never felt trust
i never felt loyalty

i lost...i feel like my soul has given up on me
the ghostless machine is all that remains
i wandering with no direction...i have the day to myself
in this apartment
nowhere to go
jobs to look for
no money
no friends
i'm so lonely and i can't even find company in myself

i'm so full of rage
i'm so full of saddness

i desperately need someone to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay
but i feel like no one here evern cares
my friends are making plans to spend the weekend with my ex
i literally have no one
i hate this...

all these people on my msn give me that stupid hug emoticon
but it just reminds me that i dont have anyone to actually hug

and to top of this lovely day the right side of my stomach is really hurting me

getting cheated on : injury
getting blamed for being cheated on: insult
having your ex go spend a weekend with the guy whose wedding you stood up in: priceless

like of all my friends who know...only one of them has been there for me
everyone else could care less
fuck it just fuck it....i can't even make a point on this one

Sunday, February 08, 2004

I think it's nice to believe that love conquers all, however in reality it's just not the case. Love is only one small part of an equation with dozens of factors. Everyone wants us to believe that love is the be all and end all. But love is just an emotion, and no emotion is static. The word love is but a mere frame around broader spectrum of emotion, and a tiny frame at that. What is it about this word that makes everyone quest for it?

I don't even know the point I'm trying to make anymore. I guess how I feel is that love is a fallacy, yet love is the ultimate truth. Love is our human drive, love is our survival, yet it is also our undoing. We love so much to the point of hate. We become extremists, we become enemies. Love is our solace, yet it is also our betrayal. We all seek out that one special person to love so we don't do feel so alienated in our own skin and the bonds of love between friends and family are what let us know that we are human and alive...living. But love makes us do crazy things, see things that aren't there, it prevents us from listening to reason, from obeying logic.

We love to love, and we are scared to love. Love is our strength and love is our weakness. It makes both secure and vulnerable. With all that love contradicts what is the point? In this finite life we live to love and we spend so much time avoiding it. We deny we are in love, we don't want to admit when love is lost.

I want someone to love, some one to share my life with, someone to confirm my existence with. But why do I want this, more importantly...why do I NEED this? Or do I need this? If I live the rest of my life with out knowing love again, am I any worse off?

The grief I feel over the end of my last relationship is overwhelming. What is this grief from? Has it arisen because I have broken from habit? It is because I hate that I hate the man that I love? Or is this grief really because the bond of love has been broken? Do I mourn that circuit of love that was once closed?

Moreover why had this translated in to self doubt? My ramblings of the past two months are of a person I thought I buried when highschool ended. I barely recognize the person that lives inside of me. He is a shadow of a ghost.

I miss my emotions, I don't feel the high highs anymore, nor do I feel the low lows. I'm wandering in an emotional purgatory...not really sad...not really happy. Just alive, existing, breathing. I am the two-legged equivalent of a household plant. What am I doing here? At least a plant has someone to water it.

In my rational mind I know life goes on. I know I am a happy person, but I know that I'm also a person who feels very deeply about everything and anything. I welcome the sorrow the same as I welcome the joy. It keeps me well rounded. I know there is no point in avoiding periods of sadness, as happiness can be found in the ability to feel sad. It's a sign you can care...empathy.

Unfortunately it's this rational mind that isn't letting me experience emotion. Logic is telling me, it's gonna take time to get over this. "Nothing in the affairs of men is worthy of great anxiety." So why worry, why wallow, why cry over something you're just gonna get over? So I can't be sad. But I don't want to be happy about this either. I'm angry, I'm hurt, but why be mad? It doesn't get me anywhere. Anger is a fire that fuels itself, and I don't want any part of it. So what do I feel? I feel nothing.

I feel nothing as I should. I still smile, I still laugh, I still shed random tears, I still punch the wall. But it's so fleeting. I see beyond the small frames of the labels of emotions, I see that what I'm told is sadness is actually part of the collective of emotions. Nothing specifically, but something immensely powerful as a whole. This view has left me feeling a sense of anomie, in that everything is beyond my comprehension. Words as labels mean nothing, and as a result I can't even describe how I feel. Because of this feel everything but I feel nothing at all.

Was this all for love?
Sunday... I don't like Sundays...end of the weekend, nothing happens, they drag, everyone knows that tomorrow is Monday. Monday, tomorrow I need to get back on the job hunt. I need to find work, I'm broke.

On a happier note, last night I drank a bottle of wine and watched SNL, and holy crap did I ever laugh. Oprah's Favourite Things, good lord that was funny, I was laughing to the point I couldn't breathe. I love laughing. I don't do enough of that lately. I think I'll get out of this rut once I feel like I'm doing something with my life, I really need to get on top of finding work, LOL, I'm so lazy.

I don't even have things to blog about.

Saturday, February 07, 2004

So I just saw Lost in Translation, and it was an excellent film. When it was over I had never felt more lonely. Okay I'm too sad to blog. Find me whoever you are, find me and hold my hand.

Friday, February 06, 2004

I'm having a rough day. I'm feeling myself very unworthy of others affection. I feel like I'll never be the object of another's desire. That I am the only one who sees what I have to offer. What is is about me...Steve's ex called here today looking for Steve, then called again regarding how to get ahold of Steve. I sorta lied and said I didn't know. That was wrong of me I guess. The idea that Steve could fall back on his first love hurts me inside. I don't have anyone worthy to fall back on. I want someone to love me. To hold me. To whisper in my ear. To tell me that everything will be alright. And for me to be able to believe it. I want to be held and have all my insecurities melt away. I want that mutual desire when you look into that special someone's eyes, and look back into yours, and you both feel how in love you are, and that you're together because you want to, or because you can't fight it, not because you're settling or because you're hanging around until something better comes along. I want to be attractive to another person, and I want to be able to believe it. God, this sucks. I've tried so hard to be confident in myself, but no one see is, no one respects me, I'm literally a joke. Half the time I feel like people are just hummoring me, the other half of the time I don't even think anyone is listening to me. Shitty.

I don't know what else to blog, fark.
Well it's February, the 5th to be exact....and I'm back from the dead. What's new you ask? Well where do I begin? I guess since my last blog things started to change around december. First off, I decided not to return to school this semester, primarily because I already had my degree and I was no longer oriented toward school. Even though I am currently jobless my intention was to find a job for 2004 so I could earn some cash before chiropractic school. Then come mid december in the middle of my two exams, Steve woke me up to tell me that he had cheated on me. My heart was broken, and I was in a subconscious way relieved. We continute to live together and though I am for the most part okay with it, it still hurts terribly. So ya, that was bad news followed promptly by some good news. I got an interview from the chiropractic college. YAY!!! Time to get my ass in gear, luckily my chiropractor was wickedly helpful and made the whole process considerably less stressful. I finished my very last undergraduate exam (so I hope) and took for for home for Christmas.

I don't know what it was about this Christmas, but something was off, it may have been because of the break up, it may have been because I knew when I came back my life would be totally different. Maybe it was because the house was in disarray because of the kitchen remodeling, who knows. But I just didn't get into the Chistmas spirit. The family events seemed somewhat dissappointing. Everyone is older now, and each one has their own things to do. My original decision to move back home was quickly thwarted when I realized why I left in first place, three hours into my return. So, overall, christmas was blah, my gifts were blah, and i came the realization that my mom cannot buy my clothes anymore. That was a depressing thought because it seems like that was my very last "real" christmas. suffer.

Christmas was further made complicated by Cody, who I fought with days before christmas. Ordinarily it's water off my back, but because of the trouble with Steve, it kind of stung. So we finally talked again on Boxing day that was cool, we even hung out too....we drank a bit and then he kissed me...I didn't fight it and part of me even wanted it. We made out, and it bothered me...because when I reached out and felt Cody when I expected to feel Steve my heart broke a little more. We started to get carried away, so I ended it and went home. We hung out once more, in what was supposed to be our BIG DRUNK NIGHT, turned out to be something out of an afterschool special....courtesey of me.

We started out by drinking at cody's and then his friend picked us up to go to the bar...Kicking myself for passing judgement his friend was the biggest weiner i have ever met. He started by asking cody to stear while he looked for a c.d. .....Cody who was drunk. I'm way too old for stupidity like that. Then when cody cracked open the smirnoff ice i realize what i had suspected all along.....Cody was my ex...my ex before steve....the psychopath....i knew right then that we were too different to ever be friends. It would never work...when codys friend started dowing the ice on the expressway, i knew i had to get out of the car......fast forward though the stupid scene I end up back home before 11 o'clock.

Oh folks, the "drama" doesn't end there...this boy is getting hammered for New Years, no doubt about it...Too much i need to forget about...for just one night. So i get drunk and have a great night with my friends. Go back to the hotel where we were staying and collapse in bed with my best buddy....who starts cuddling with me....if feels good....it seems harmless...but still I can't help wondering the meaning that lies beneath the surface....just one presumably straight guy holding another presumably straight guy....LIGHTS OUT.....passing out in bed.....suddenly we're holding hands....In my drunken state i know there is no hope for sleep tonight...I knew such a thing could only complicate an already complicated friendship so i let go, break free, do damgage control....unfortunately i can't get comfortable enough to sleep. In the morning the mutual pretense is that nothing happen...we both had total memory loss, fine by me....

....well once the idea is planted in your heart, its hard to deny the potential feelings.

Anyway fastforward a month, the interview is over...It's hard to tell how I did....I'm satisfied with how i did, I know i did my best, and it's out of my hands now, so that is a relief. Steve and I have had a few blowouts, as of right now we're friendly to each other, and i'm pretty confident that we will not get back together (by my choice). Cody and I are talking, and I'm pretty confident that we won't be good friends anymore (by both our choices). As for the best buddy and me, things are weird (mostly my problem....i think). I'm in this odd place right now, where i'm either fighting the feelings i have for him, knowing nothing good could come of it....or fully giving into it, hoping he feels the same way too. I definitely don't like what it's doing to me, and it's really translating into some resentment toward him. Definitely, he is confused too, because he goes from full on flirting, to just being mean. However that's just my interpretation. I really need to stop thinking about.

Hopefully, now that I'm single and getting emotionally settled, I'll be more consistent with my blogging...I really hope so.

Good night friends.