"[W]e reason that if we are perfect...we will be perfectly loveable. What a heavy burden!"
It's New Year's Day 2007 for 10 more minutes, I technically start back to school tomorrow but I probably won't go back until Wednesay. Why? I've been asking myself this a lot lately. The answer isn't that complicated: I hate it there.
I hate going because I don't feel competent, I've never felt like I was on the ball there. My marks have never been encouraging, and bottom line, there is no one there I want to see and conversely no one there that wants to see me.
The past couple of years have been really depressing and filled with a lot of anxiety. I question my competence, I question my worth, I question whether or not I'm loveable or even likeable for that matter. I don't feel any lasting connection to this current time and place save for a few people.
I miss my old life.
I know I've said this before, but I cannot stop grieving for it. I want for the people in my life to see that person that I was, and that I was likeable and that I was loveable. Instead all I've been showing is how self destructive I can be.
I let my relationships grow cold, I let my self grow cold. I care for little so that little could care for me. I've let myself get out of shape to the point that my clothes aren't fitting anymore and I don't want to leave the house because I'm embarassed by what I see in the mirror. In school I feel like I have little control over the grades I have gotten to the point now where I see little point in trying. I've lost interest in everything that was me and it's because I've lost control, and I cannot be perfect.
But so what, I can never be perfect. I can only do the best that I can, and by and large, that's what I've been doing. I have every reason to be proud of myself. I've gotten further than many people have and I am going to get through it too. In little over a year I will have a Doctor in front of my name! I have a healthy long-term relationship with a man I cherish and respect more than anything or anyone. I have a family that loves me and supports me. I have friends that think of me fondly. And pretty much, I like who I am. So, why is it that with all I have going for me the self-doubt and failure of perfection has led me down a path of self destructive thoughts and actions?
I want to be able to leave the house without a peptalk, I want to be able to see people without wanting to scream, I want to be able to look at my boyfriend without wanting to hide, and I want to look in the mirror without wanting to cry. I'm not perfect and that IS the very root of my insecurities. Maybe then, accepting this fact will allow me to accept that I AM "perfectly loveable." It should also help to remember, like my hero Fred Rogers once said:
"Thank god we don't have to earn every bit of love that comes our way."
It's New Year's Day 2007 for 10 more minutes, I technically start back to school tomorrow but I probably won't go back until Wednesay. Why? I've been asking myself this a lot lately. The answer isn't that complicated: I hate it there.
I hate going because I don't feel competent, I've never felt like I was on the ball there. My marks have never been encouraging, and bottom line, there is no one there I want to see and conversely no one there that wants to see me.
The past couple of years have been really depressing and filled with a lot of anxiety. I question my competence, I question my worth, I question whether or not I'm loveable or even likeable for that matter. I don't feel any lasting connection to this current time and place save for a few people.
I miss my old life.
I know I've said this before, but I cannot stop grieving for it. I want for the people in my life to see that person that I was, and that I was likeable and that I was loveable. Instead all I've been showing is how self destructive I can be.
I let my relationships grow cold, I let my self grow cold. I care for little so that little could care for me. I've let myself get out of shape to the point that my clothes aren't fitting anymore and I don't want to leave the house because I'm embarassed by what I see in the mirror. In school I feel like I have little control over the grades I have gotten to the point now where I see little point in trying. I've lost interest in everything that was me and it's because I've lost control, and I cannot be perfect.
But so what, I can never be perfect. I can only do the best that I can, and by and large, that's what I've been doing. I have every reason to be proud of myself. I've gotten further than many people have and I am going to get through it too. In little over a year I will have a Doctor in front of my name! I have a healthy long-term relationship with a man I cherish and respect more than anything or anyone. I have a family that loves me and supports me. I have friends that think of me fondly. And pretty much, I like who I am. So, why is it that with all I have going for me the self-doubt and failure of perfection has led me down a path of self destructive thoughts and actions?
I want to be able to leave the house without a peptalk, I want to be able to see people without wanting to scream, I want to be able to look at my boyfriend without wanting to hide, and I want to look in the mirror without wanting to cry. I'm not perfect and that IS the very root of my insecurities. Maybe then, accepting this fact will allow me to accept that I AM "perfectly loveable." It should also help to remember, like my hero Fred Rogers once said:
"Thank god we don't have to earn every bit of love that comes our way."
